I received some news recently that hit me in a way that was unexpected and yet expected. We all expect that some day those that are close to us will have their phone call from a doctor that rocks their world. We all expect the devastation at the simple thought of that person leaving us to this world. We expect the depredation of sickness (in this case, cancer). But no matter how much we expect, we are thrust into the cliched realization that life is short, and it's never the right moment to stare at its starkness, that sucker punch. When it's a person dear to your life, it's hard to imagine living here on earth without them, and you want them to know what they have meant to you. In this specific case, I have spent a good bit of time reflecting on the life of my beautiful Aunt Cindy and her influence on my life. She is facing the monster of cancer, and this is my moment to express to her how great of an impact she has had on my life. If you know her, you know she is amazing. If you don't, let me tell you about her.
There are people in this life we are blessed to call family. Some members of our families influence us by their strictness, or their quirkiness, or their simplicity, or any other number of ways. Aunt Cindy gently influences by just living and doing her best to live well. She leads a creative life; searching for meaning, adventuring, and loving those around her. Everything I know about my creative life came from her, seeing beauty in the small, aesthetic things... flowers and floral arrangements, flowing design for parties or weddings, that masterful meringue on her chocolate pie that no one in this world can even hope to duplicate, that small, elegant stitch of embroidery on a pillow, the preparation and presentation of delectable Chinese food, that teapot of Earl Grey with the accompanying conversation... her life is a work of art. I have in my pinky what that woman is capable of creating. I watch, marvel, and do my best to duplicate, but she is unmatched. All those floral arrangements, weddings, embroideries, and baking I have done are simply my attempt at reflecting what she has taught me. And dang it, if I could make a pot of Earl Grey the way she does, I would have reached heaven. She makes it with magic. She has to.
My Aunt Cindy loves well. She loves completely. She has taught me so much about love. I have learned that some people are so very easy to love and then there are those that are exceptionally difficult to love. For those that take effort to love, we tend to expect them to love us the way we love them; some kind of skewed version of "do unto others as you would have them do unto you." We want to love the way we choose to love. And in the grand scheme of life, that's just not going to happen. There is so much mercy and grace missing from our relationships these days; a lost idea that humanity is full of mistakes, bitterness, and unforgiven acts. Not everyone in our lives can love us the way we want and that can't always be remedied. It's learning to accept the love they are capable of giving and being content with it. Bitterness is a revolting emotion that creeps up when we feel that we are loving on a level that is not being reciprocated. That's not to say there are no boundaries, and boy, have I learned the importance of boundaries from that woman. Love carefully, accept what is given, don't fixate on the love you think is missing from some of your relationships. It may be all the love those relationships can spare as those people battle their own demons and muddle through their own lives.
Change is a "yea or nay" thing for most people. I know my Aunt Cindy's life. I know the changes she has gone through, whether by her choice or what was thrust upon her unwillingly. Either way, I've always seen a grace in how she chose to move through change. Life is carnage and bitter tears, but it's also of joy, hope, and the knowledge that we don't trudge our way through it by ourselves. I know this because I have seen it in my Aunt Cindy. She knows the ugly side of life. She reflects the simple joys of it in the face of heartache. Her hope is found in setting her sights on heaven. She and life run to adventure, which to me is the idea that we take advantage of what ever opportunities arise. I know change. I know what it's like to grapple with the unknown. Change, for all its scariness can bring about the greatest blessings. It's living a life that doesn't follow the parameters or expectations of society, our friends, or sometimes even our family. It's a daring life... infinitely difficult for my and my Aunt Cindy's people pleasing ways. If I can get to the end of my life and know that I have encouraged others to refuse mundanity and embrace the adventure we've been given, I will have lived well.
No matter what the next few weeks, months, or years bring to the life of my Aunt Cindy, she will continue her graceful, gentle way of living and loving. She continues to impress me with her spirit and her faith. She cultivates positivity... even though life has been unpleasant. It's one of the greatest honors and pleasures of my life to know her and to learn from her. From a quick, stressed phone call begging for creative genius in making a floral arrangement to the long, midnight conversations over our Earl Grey, I relish every moment with my Aunt Cindy. My life would not be what it is without her inspiration, wisdom, knowledge, encouragement, and love. I'm not going to wait to let her know that.
No comments:
Post a Comment