The Wretched Post

It seems this post has been long in the making, somewhere buried in my mind anxiously wanting to be told no matter how many times I wanted to stuff it down out of the light. The last few weeks have seen very little activity on this blog of mine and frankly, I couldn't bring myself to recount the 'pandemonium' my life has recently become. And I'm not talking about having four kids and our travels. That would be so much more fun.

Keith and I have known for quite some time that a life-change was on our horizon. I knew deep down it was there and looked forward to it as a new adventure. Now that a change is upon us, I'm knee deep in tears and a sagging feeling somewhere in my chest that chokes up. I'm still looking forward to the changes about to take place, but I'm painfully aware of what we will be leaving.

I've spent the last four weeks getting our house ready to be put on the market. I've cleaned out, organized, boxed up and put things in storage for the day the 'For Sale' sign goes up. I've also cried my way through the baby clothes, blankets and toys, feeling like I've lived in Pennsylvania a lifetime and not just eight years. All my babies were born here, each one a life change that will forever be associated with Reading and Hershey, PA. Four children in six years (even I admit that's nuts and certainly a factor in any pandemonium we experience) and this house is all they have known.

My heart breaks more over the people that have touched our lives. It's been difficult coming to terms with the thought of leaving. We still don't have a set date of when that happens. Basically, we leave when the house sells. Many friends have asked when and we really don't have a timeline. Ultimately, we'd like to have sold this house before winter sets in. Winter and the heating costs for this old house are killer. So a move seems eminent. I hate that... not having a date to mentally prepare myself for a long distance move.

Caelan and McKenna aren't fully aware of what's going on around them, but Evelynn is. She's very excited for a move. She was concerned at first because she thought she couldn't take her bed or her dresser or the pictures on her wall. She's been assured that we are taking those things. She's very excited about the prospect of living closer to Grandma & Grandpa and Mema & Papa. The goal for us is to move to Arkansas. We have opportunities in other places currently, but we can't wait to be closer to family. For starters, we are considering Hot Springs or Little Rock.

We have always approached our life as limitless. There is really no where we haven't tried to go (we tried to go to Lithuania about six months ago if that gives you an idea).Because of this, we have been blessed with many unusual opportunities and have been blessed abundantly. Those blessings have always been found in the people we have gone to church with. I told Keith one day several weeks ago that I would love to put all my favorite people from the places we've lived, in one central location so that I could be happy all the time and not feel the pain of separation. He looked at me funny and said "That would be heaven." Oh, yeah... Now that Evelynn is realizing that this change is more than just a fun trip to Grandma & Grandpa's, she's not as excited. She told me tonight "I have to figure a way somehow to get all my friends to move with me to Arkansas." That would be heaven.

While news of our move has leaked out, I've had some people say that I'm handling it all well. No, I have not. I have had four weeks to cry it out, to feel ill over the prospect of leaving, to be excited about the future and its changes. So, to be fair, this post is to get you up to date so that you can somehow deal with the idea because I really can't hold it all together when I go to church and spend all my time 'breaking the news' to my dear friends. Most Sundays and Wednesdays I can't look around at my church family without tears welling up. I am looking forward to what is in store for us, but what I leave behind is so very dear to me and my family. We seek prayers for our future (I've already been told that some of you are praying we don't go anywhere and we return the love; however, that doesn't seem to be our course).